So Bad it’s Good: Ice Spiders (2007)
*CAUTION! Here be spoilers, and beasties*
It can never be said that I’m elitist or a snob in any way with regards to movies.
Well, with the exception of the extreme allergic and/or violent reaction to most chick flicks and a lot of romantic comedies, I’m pretty much up for giving anything a trial run. So with this, and the fact that I can never escape the gravitational pull of made for TV horror for more than a few weeks at a time, I’m opening up a new category on here.
Welcome, one and all, to “So Bad it’s Good.”
I’ll start this with an absolute belter then, shall I?
Ice Spiders. A group of young Olympic skiers set off for a week of training with a retired medal winner, only to head straight into the path of escaped and deadly genetically altered giant spiders. Tell me more, Zone Horror, tell me more! Government weapons experiment gone wrong you say? Made bigger and bred for their silk? High metabolism means they can withstand the cold temperatures? Lead on.
No slow reveal of the monsters in this baby, with one of the aforementioned giant spiders being spied instantly by two poor gents out indulging in a bit of hunting. Are these guys scared by the prospect of a massive spider? Hell no. It’s time for these stereotypical shotgun wielding weekenders to bag themselves a trophy! Bad move. Heavy webbing and death awaits ye my friends. What it lacks in suspense, Ice Spiders may make up for in body count, and Jesus, when these low grade CGI bastards start scuttling full pelt down the mountain side, all hell breaks loose. “RUN! They’re killing everyone!” comes the cry from a man who promptly heads back into the path of the oncoming arachnids. Yes, these beasties are tracking down every human in their path, using blurred binocular vision I never thought possible for creatures with eight compound eyes…
Our hero and ex-professional skier, Dan “Dash” Dashiell, is played by a man who resembles what I imagine Rob Lowe would look like after a few years on crystal meth. He talks with a husky voice and the kind of “dude!” speak I haven’t enjoyed as much since Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. In fact, that’s too much credit, he’s more like a retarded version of Keanu Reeves in Point Break. He’s a poor sod this one, broke his leg and ruined his career, gets beaten by a youngster after shitting out of a jump at the last minute, and attempts to charm a lady through telling her “I’ll show you my scars.”
The best lines are not reserved for Dash however, but given to the permanently annoyed lead kid skier, Chad. He brings the humour by stating the bleeding obvious to pissed-off perfection. In answer to the question of “What are they?” scary-eyed Chad barks “THEY’RE GIANT SPIDERS! WHAT THE HELL DO THEY LOOK LIKE!?!” When trapped on a bus, terrorized by an eight-legged cretin, one of his team mates asks why it doesn’t just break the glass. On you go Chad: “IT’S A SPIDER!! IT DOESN’T KNOW WHAT GLASS IS!!” Oh Chad, with your mad-bastard stare, mental eyebrows and angry shouting you should be a prerequisite of these bad horror movies at all times.
Cut off from the rest of the world – No mobile reception? Wasn’t that a ring tone clearly coming out of the silk-encased gentleman hunter earlier? Hang on, did I miss something? Why are the phone lines down? Did the spiders cut through the phone lines? Clever bastards – the trapped youngsters and skiing tourists have only Dash and the guy who wrote The A-Team to save them. Yes, you read correctly. Man with the typewriter at the end of every episode? Stephen J Cannell. Now a goat bearded silver fox, armed with only a fire extinguisher and his wits in the face of Arachnigeddon.
Barricaded inside the lodge, even though the doors open outwards, no one thought to block the chimney did they? Oh you crazy spiders, you! Dash is gonna get angry. And when Dash gets angry, he stabs giant spiders to death with a stuffed deer head. But not before a Fernando Torres lookalike with a perm has subdued them with a can of hairspray…
Things cannot get better (should that be worse?) when our hero leads the spiders to capture by skiing down a mountain with a flare in his hand, screaming “GET SOME!”
Not content to let the military save their valuable experiment, Dash gets Fernando to blow the spiders to pieces. All but one. Cue the government bigwig and Dash’s cries of conspiracy, man! Dash is so annoyed, he even writes and performs a song for the end credits.
Crap science, low budget special effects, laughable characters, cringe worthy dialogue, and compulsory stupid questions – “What happened?” asks the scientist of the web wrapped and legless researcher. I don’t know. I really don’t. There’s maybe a chance that your spiders broke loose.
For complete guilty pleasure viewing, I liked Ice Spiders. I mean, even the name Ice Spiders itself is amazing. It doesn’t try to be anything more than it is, which is utter bullshit, but bullshit that‘s great fun.